Conversations With Alistair
by Wyldehart
Summary: One shot. It is the day after your "rendezvous" with Isabella in Denerim. Now your companions are pestering Alistair. What would they say? How would he respond? A funny look into some random banter you might have seen. Rated M for innuendo.


**Conversations With Alistair**

Imagine your lovely female character, in love with a "hardened" Alistair, (him in tow of course) meets the intriguing Captain Isabella. You have engaged in playful banter and invited the Captain and, subsequently, a very intrigued and very nervous Alistair to play something more entertaining than… cards. After Maker knows how many hours of incredibly good sex (many times with both women, I can imagine) our poor Templar is exhausted, in a bit of pain, and walking a bit, ah, bow-legged from his hours' long exertions. He has shown that he _**can**_ keep up with both a Gray Warden _**and **_a horny rogue who swings both ways as long as she's swinging, at the same time! He's rather smug about the experience and proud of himself for not only being able to make them both scream but for simply doing it at all. He would never have done it on his own and he knows this. He probably isn't sure he ever wants to do it again but it was fun while it lasted. Now imagine if the game had some post-threesome banter directed at unraveling Alistair's already frayed nerves. How might it go? Each character gets their own stab at it. Enjoy!

**Wynne**

**Wynne: **"Alistair, are you all right?"

**Alistair: ** "I'm fine. Thank you for your concern."

**Wynne: **"But, dear, you're walking funny, like you're hurting. Let me check to see if I have a salve…"

**Alistair: **"It's, ah, nothing your salves can help. I just have to work it out."

**Wynne:** "Work what out, dear?"

**Alistair:** "'It'. Just 'it'. Nothing to concern yourself over. I'm fine."

**Wynne:** "Well, you better work 'it' out quickly because you can't fight in your condition much less anything else 'it' is good for like, oh, say 'pleasurable activities' with the other Warden?"

**Alistair, blushing:** "Oh, Maker! No! No more 'pleasurable activities'! I'm going to become celibate…"

**Wynne:** "Celibate? Really, hmm?"

**Alistair:** "…No."

**Wynne:** "I'll get a salve for you."

**Alistair:** "Yes, Ma'am."

**Zevran**

**Zevran: **"My friend! I saw you walk away with Isabella and the other Gray Warden last night! And here you have returned this morning and you are walking… barely. Was it glorious being the 'meat' between two exciting sets of buns? Two sets of firm breasts? Four hands touching you all over and two mouths sucking your…"

**Alistair, blushing: **"OKAY! Enough out of you. I'm not talking about it."

**Zevran:** "And why not? If that had been me in your position, I would be singing about it from the rooftops. You have done what every man dreams. Ah! Two women! I remember Isabella. We've been… close… a time or two. She's voracious! And your lover is lusty too. I have seen how she grabs you and fondles you when you both think nobody is looking."

**Alistair, stunned:** "You've… seen… her do that?"

**Zevran:** "Of course! So tell me, my friend, did they engage each other as much as you? I like watching them, myself and then I like to come up behind one of them while she is distracted by the other and put my…"

**Alistair:** "I'm not talking about this with you."

**Zevran:** "…and start bucking like a stallion while they…"

**Alistair:** "I said, 'enough'! Agh! Owch!"

**Zevran:** "Ah, a little groin pull, my friend? I have a stretch that will help you get back into your companion's… Well, back into your companion, anyway, in no time. Will you allow me to instruct you?"

**Alistair: **"I can't believe I'm entertaining this but okay. If it helps, it helps."

**Zevran:** "Take off your pants."

**Alistair:** "Take off my- What?"

**Zevran:** "Take off your pants or you may rip a seam."

**Alistair:** "Oh. Okay. Fine. Done. Now what?"

**Zevran:** "Now spread your legs and lower yourself like so… Oh my! It seems that you are not the one who should be walking bow-legged but rather the women you entertained last night! Ah… Alistair? I would not mind walking bow-legged…"

**Alistair, blushing:** "Wait, are you suggesting…? Oh, yuck! Just… Yuck! I can't believe you were just propositioning me! Bad elf! Bad! Bad!"

**Oghren**

**Oghren: **"So… Went off with two women last night, heh heh? And now this morning you look a bit worse for wear."

**Alistair:** "I'm fine."

**Oghren:** "Nope. I'll bet you this bottle of Orlesian Bourbon that your stick and stones are aching like the sodding maker himself is twistin' 'em. Not 't mention the muscles around 'em all."

**Alistair:** "…."

**Oghren:** "Here. Take the Bourbon. You need it more 'n I do. Heh heh. Though, I kinda wish I'd been been there… Watchin'…"

**Alistair:** "You are a sick, twisted little man, you know that?"

**Leliana**

**Leliana: **"Alistair, I saw you and Elissa go with that woman, Isabella, to her ship last night. And now it's morning. So, what were you doing all night long?"

**Alistair:** "Playing cards."

**Leliana:** "Hah hah! You cannot fool me. You have the look of a man who's been seduced by two women and pleasured to the point of pain. Was it worth it?"

**Alistair:** "If you must know, it was amazing. Fine. I said it. I liked it. It will never happen again."

**Leliana:** "Ohh, do not say that. Tell me, did they… touch one another? Kiss? Pleasure each other while you watched?"

**Alistair:** "That's personal. I'm not going there."

**Leliana:** "No? Ah. Your blush says it all. They did pleasure each other and then they probably pleasured you as well. I hear that Gray Wardens have amazing stamina… Male and female. Listen, if you and your lover ever get bored, I like women too…"

**Alistair:** "If we ever get THAT bored, you'll be the first to know. Are you done?"

**Leliana:** "Only if you're not starting…"

**Alistair:** "Sigh…"

**Shale**

**Shale: **"It seems to be having problems walking this morning. Did it sit on a pigeon, perhaps?"

**Alistair:** "No birds were harmed last night."

**Shale:** "Oh. I was hoping. So, did it enjoy the company of its two companions last night? I imagine it was making all kinds of sounds… It makes many sounds when it sleeps in its lover's tent. I find it odd that it feels the desire to make itself more squishy that it already is. Why is that?"

**Alistair:** "You're asking me about sex? Can't you go to Zevran? He's sort of an expert in this, you know."

**Shale:** "There was a man who enjoyed the company of women at my feet. Every night for a month, I had to watch them copulate. They made noises too. 'Ooh! Do me! Mmm! I like that!' It was hideous. I wished I could stomp their pathetic, squishy heads into the earth at my feet but I was frozen in place. Why does it like doing it?"

**Alistair:** "Because it's fun. Period. I like it and it feels good and if you were squishy, you would want it too."

**Shale, shuddering:** "Never. Ugh. Now I'll have nightmares because it couldn't leave well enough alone. Me, squishy! 'Making noises' with another being. Liking it! If it were not the female Warden's favorite, I would stomp it till it apologized. Sigh."

**Sten**

**Sten: "**You are useless!"

**Alistair:** "Excuse me?"

**Sten:** "You heard me. You are useless. You cannot fight, much less stand."

**Alistair:** "It'll pass. I just have… to work it out. Tight muscles, that's all. Those women gave me workout!"

**Sten:** "You were beaten by women? How is that possible?"

**Alistair:** "I'm not going into this with you."

**Sten:** "There was no battle. How did you get injured?"

**Alistair:** "Ah…"

**Sten:** "Wait… Your fellow Gray Warden and that woman who owns the ship… You didn't…?"

**Alistair:** "Maybe…"

**Sten:** "That is obscene! Women in my culture, once they have chosen a mate, do not stray and they especially do not stray to their own kind! Do you plan to punish her?"

**Alistair:** "I don't think I could 'punish' her if she asked me to… But, nevertheless, the whole thing was sort of mutual so she gets off this time." (Pun intended, I think)

**Sten:** "So you are telling me that injuring yourself was deliberate? Are you mad?"

**Alistair:** "Probably but that's beside the point. Saaaay... I have some cookies here that I might give to you if you consider overlooking this transgression."

**Sten:** "You have... cookies? I expect that I could forget what you've just told me if there were cookies. Where are the cookies?"

**Sten (after Alistair hands Sten two cookies): **"Mmmm. Now. What were you prattling on about?"

**Morrigan:**

**Alistair:** "Uh oh… You're giving me 'that look'. I hate to ask but…"

**Morrigan:** "Ohh, just wondering how a big, strong Gray Warden managed to let himself get beaten by two women."

**Alistair:** "We weren't exactly, you know, fighting."

**Morrigan:** "Hm! Personally, I find it disgusting that you participated. Did you enjoy watching your love take pleasure in another?"

**Alistair:** "Considering that the 'other' was a woman, I actually found myself quite riveted. There's something to be said about two sexy, naked, sweaty women grabbing each other, and kissing while you're lying there happily in the midst of it all."

**Morrigan:** "Alistair! That's horrible! And here I thought you were something of a prude."

**Alistair:** "Hmm. I'm learning that being a prude isn't much fun. Why, Morrigan my dear, I do believe you're jealous! Come on… You wish you could have been there, right? Right? Maybe sucked face with Isabella? Or wrapped your tongue around my love's…"

**Morrigan:** "STOP right there! You are traversing in areas I do not wish to tread."

**Alistair:** "At least **I'm** getting laid."

**Morrigan:** "Bastard!"

**Alistair:** "Born and bred. Heh heh. And **still** getting laid."

End


End file.
